Emotional Roller Coaster

It’s been an emotional day. And while every day is emotional for me, this one was a kicker. And I know I’ve been avoiding this blog out of fear but I can’t ignore it anymore because I want to be real and truthful and not hide behind sarcastic humor. Being hurt and vulnerable is what makes you human; it makes you realize that you’re alive and real. So while many of you may be expecting a humorous story about my silly life I need to do this. I need to admit that I’m scared. I need to admit that I’m human because we all have the same fears of not being good enough or getting hurt. We may look different or deal with it differently but we experience it just the same. So, I would like to be crazy and honest and share with you my work and some of my fears. Here it goes….

Creative Well – A project that forced you to dig deep and to explore your creativity so that it will never run out. (Also makes you cry and leaves you an emotional wreck… But it helps you grow!)

Back (Truth Side)

 

Front (Concealed Side)

It all started with the phrase “Follow your feet”. My mind will spin stories and over analyze everything until I’m lost and hopeless. And I absolutely, 100% cannot trust my heart because it’s so fickle. I can only trust my feet because they always lead me in the right direction. They follow by instinct no matter which way my body is pointed. When I voiced out loud the fact that you can’t trust your heart, my friend became sad. I said it so carelessly and nonchalantly because to me it was the truth. My heart has been bruised and battered multiple times and it was easier to build up the wall and numb the pain. Trusting your heart is reckless and unpredictable and gives you nothing but trouble and heartache. I’ve tried to fit in and keep my emotions in check for years but every time I spoke up and was ridiculed, I ended up closing my heart away just a little more. For years I told myself that that’s just the way it is; that every time you open up your heart to someone you loved they were supposed to hurt you. I realized from a young age that nobody cares about your problems and no one wants to listen to them. So when I have a problem I recede behind my wall and push everyone away, quietly dealing with my pain. But this is no way to live your life. Getting hurt is a part of changing and growing as a person. It’s unrealistic to think that I can protect myself forever and never put myself out there. For this reason I was scared of creative well but excited at the same time. I put my heart and soul into every piece of art I create. It’s all filled with symbolism that only I seem to understand. The piece I created is a mirror; the two sides are the exact same. On one side is the symbolism and the concealed emotions, on the other is the raw and blatant truth.  You see the Concealed side first because it acts like a shield because I’m confident that very few can see the secrets that I hid within my drawings. The Truth side is sheltered and intimate. It’s just you and the raw emotion.

This semester has been filled with ups and downs and has been emotionally difficult from the beginning. But after everything that’s happened and Creative Well I feel like I’m back to a good place in my life. I’m still absolutely petrified that I actually made this thing but I know that I’m going to be okay because I trust myself and all the wonderful people around me. Thank you for giving me the courage to put myself out there and to be a better person.

Words that I wanted to say... 

That is correct; fear has been holding me back from speaking my mind. And based on my outrageous outfits, my flamboyant hair, and my rather obnoxious cheerfulness, you might assume that I’m quite the confident little whippersnapper. Well, I hate to break it to you, but you’d be wrong. And if you’ve already read this far expecting a hilarious story about my ridiculous life, you should probably stop reading now because you are sadly mistaken. Because what I’ve built up has started to crack and crumble and I seems like I have to start from square one. It’s weird that I’m the type of person who worries what people think about me. In fact, I’m freaking out about this while I type this and I don’t even know if I’ll post this. I’m scared that no one will find what I write interesting or as funny as I do or think that I’m a pretentious hypocrite. I’m scared of putting what I really think into words and I’m petrified of offending someone through my cynical and incredibly morbid sense of humor. I want to write, but I don’t know what to write anymore. I try to tell people if I have a problem but I’m awkward so instead I just internalize everything.

If you stuck this out to the bitter end, THANK YOU. Thank you for listening and trying to understand. This isn’t me trying to be angsty, this is me trying to connect with people again. I want to keep growing and changing as a person and that means letting go of everything holding me back and opening my heart up to new opportunities. I can’t wait to continue the journey. 


And lastly, I leave you with my new favorite band The 1975 and their awesome song  "Chocolate". Give it a listen because they're brilliant and don't forget to stay awesome!